Whiplash the Cowboy monkey.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Whiplash the Cowboy monkey.Ok he's not quite a Pirate, but I've fallen in love with this monkey.

Spank my monkey..ok that has no relevance to the ol' blog subject but I'd just like a 'spank'..how good is that word..spank spank spank spank...

Listening to:

Get to know me??!

Monday, August 13, 2007

I love these crappy MySpazz surveys, with such exciting questions as 'Do You Poop?' and 'How many times a day do you blink?' to finish off my fun-filled week I thought I'd give one a whirl and see if YOU can know me better....cus from this it'll be like you known me all my life.....

Odd Facts about ME

DO YOU SNORE?:
I do, I'm hot

LOVER OR A FIGHTER?:
both

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?:
airomaplanes

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?:
Duplo all the way

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?:
its great we're not far off Live OAP Slaying or a Running Man scenario with paedophiles, I cant wait

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?:
yes and pens

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?:
i cant remember

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?:
how did you know?

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?:
black

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?:
yes!

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?:
i'd die half way down and be dead at the boing

ANY SECRET TALENTS?:
I cant fit my fist in my mouth and touch my head with my toes backwards, bit of blue for the dads there

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?:
sunny, desolate, pretty and vino

HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?:
yes

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?:
yes
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?:
I cant decide

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?:
I dont know what the hell that is but I want one

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?:
no it hurts my head, just tried

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?:
yes..hence fear of

ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?:
depends who's wearing them

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?:
I want to be a dinosaur hunter when i grow up

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?:
can you imagine!?

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?:
yes

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?:
milk, wheat, nuts, potatoes,

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU":
Friday

IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?:
Yes, he's hanging out with Elvis and Bernard Manning in Bangor working in a second hand shop

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?:
No!

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?:
cooked

ARE BLONDES DUMB?:
just ditsy and clumsy

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?:
In mulgrews room

WHAT TIME IS IT?:
half 11

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?:
an abbreviation of my name - its not very imaginative

IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?:
after 5 years working for Ronald I can safely say I never once spat on a burger, just picked stuff up off the floor and served it

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?:
Yesterday

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?:
Baths for relaxing, showers for the quicky

IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?:
is that how you spell 'Clause'?

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:
not really

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?:
soup and cigs, separtely Im not a minger

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?:
crunchy, have you ever seen a dog try and eat peanut butter, its great

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?:
yes, around Donningtion Race Track

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?:
once

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?:
Yes it is, yes sir it is

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?:
no

HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?:
no

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?:
blu

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
hmmm

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?:
its interesting

WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?:
no-ones

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?:
yes, I knew you were going to say that

HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?:
will i look stupid if i say no?

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?:
yes, Im a pro triangle player

CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?:
no

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?:
yes, I love it!

DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?:
only if it really tickles me

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?:
Yes, Yes I do,

IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?:
no his penis is

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?:
Im getting bored of these questions now

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?:
I wanna try it when I'm drunk

DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?:
yes, but she doen't understand and call the internet the 'email' as in: are you on that 'email'

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?:
rice cakes

DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?:
yes

DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:
I like everyone. I'm a big ball of lovliness

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?:
the one where people fall over and ask for money because it was there fault in the first place and no-one falls off a ladder drunk and say it wasn't their fault

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?:
Do they sell eagles?

FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?:
there's quite a few, I went a bit crazy at Vinyl Exchange last week

Now you know me, let's go for a pint...
and i won't fall alseep

Currently listening:The Lion King (1997 Original Broadway Cast)By Elton John
Release date: 14 November, 1997

The ant and the ladyboys...

Friday, July 20, 2007

Such a title of my blog should imply some hidden meaning, but it does exactly what it says on the tin....

Last week I went round to the msitresses and schmoked a few doobies with the wife (in the mean time bobbin round to a dudes house who had a fish tank as a coffee table, and his flat mates getting a bit freaked out by a Yorkshire bird screaming ' get the terapin out!'.
anywho

So I went back home to fix myslef some delicious Rice Crispies, and knocked over another pack of 'light wheat based' cereal. In a Chucke Brother moment, one hand holding Snap, Crackle and Pop, and the other on my hands and knees scooping flakes, out the corner of my eye I saw them coming for me,out of what seemed nowhere. They there were, freakin ants. Crawling up my leg.

That was it, right there and then, in a slighty woosey frame of mind still holding me Rice Delights I decided we should stage some sort of world wide based charity concert.

Fook me carbon footprint, we've got an infestation. I dreamt of killer ants slaying the monkey from the Coco Pops advert that night (even though I was eating Rice Krispies)....save me from my interupted sleep and give me a pound.

Now


*stay tuned for Part 2: Ladyboys


Currently listening:Cereal KillersBy Too Much Joy
Release date: 12 March, 1991

Broken English and a plate of meat...

Monday, July 02, 2007

As ever a random life I have.Last year I woke up on my birthday in Mauldeth Road park at 11 in the morning surrounded by school children, with a few friends near by.
This year I bring in my birthday stood on a stage in the middle of Naples, in front of 500 people getting hugged by a range of Italians.

I was invited to be a judge as part of a new music festival in Naples. The panel of judges included, a TV presenter, music producer and journalist, a music promoter, another music writer and a nobhead from Manchester.I can't even speak Italian so most of the time I was pretty quiet, nodding and taking advantage of the nibbles.

I was only there for 2 days so I thought I'd cram in all the Italian classics, I had e pizza, e pasta, e ice cream and a plate of pork (the language barrier got the better of me)
I also had a ride on the back of a motorbike, with no helmet.

I read that Naples 'was the most violent and dangerous cities in Italy' , it maybe, but I've never been met with so much friendliness and lovliness. And the 2 kiss thing I was well getting to the swing of things and lunging for everybody.

Then there was the flights. I missed my connection to Manchester so I spent most of birthday in Paris airport, awkwardly asleep on a plastic chair. I thought I was going to spend all night there so i put on me 'Birthday Girl' badge, bought a muffin and bottle of wine and sang 'Happy Birthday' to myself.

7 Planes, in 2 weeks, my carbon footprint is blummin massive.

I do hate all these traveller types who go on about 'god, I had the most amzing time in India where i stood on top of a mountain with a naked hippy and really found who I was about, and what life really means, while the hippy stuck a smoking stick up my arse'.

But I did have a randomly great time.

Currently listening:I'm Wide Awake, It's MorningBy Bright Eyes
Release date: 25 January, 2005

the home of pizza

Monday, June 25, 2007

This made me laugh. Ok I laughed then I got a tiny bit scared.
Click Giovani Suoni
Then 'Enter', then 'Giuria' on the top navigation bar.
'Giuria' incidently means 'judge' in Italian.
On Thursday and Friday night I'll be judging a new music contest in Naples, Italy.

Bloody hell

Currently listening:Soy una PizzaBy Charlotte Diamond
Release date: 15 September, 1994

cheese sandwiches and Spanish Old People...

Saturday, June 16, 2007

The cuisine of Spain is famed for its tapas, seafood, fesh veg and lush fruit, and in the past two days all I have managed to eat is two cheese sandwiches. and a shite load of beer cus, at the end of the day everyone knows what 'beer' is in any language.

My Spanish has got me far these oast few days...'pardon' when I bump into someone. 'rethebo' when I need a receipt, and my old favourite 'Ola!' , you can't go wrong with the odd hello. I even sent a lady to the 5th floor of my apartment block by pointing at the buttons and asking 'cinco?' She may not have been going there...

I love Spain because it's full of brown wrinkley old men who always need to sit down. Even on the big massive street in Barcelona, where there are those bastard silver painted mime artists who think they're robots, they have special old men seats. Not even next to each other, but randomly scattered. So walkig down the street you can bet ur ass every 10 yards you'll find an old man asleep.

I managed to catch a very odd installation slash show today. I even had to sign a release form before i went in, and there were paramedics waiting outside. I'm not one for installations, to be honest i can take me or leave em. It started with 60 or so of us watching an odd projection of what looked like the dancing ababy from Ally Mcbeal, then a whole lorra smoke filled the room, mixed with stobe lights, then pulsating coloured lights. You know when you poke urself oin the eye (if your as stupid to) and you get those strange little red greeny splashes in your eyes, well that was what it was like, but not just straight ahead but to the side of you and mixed with the smoke and sub bass surround sound - i thought i was going to punch the girl beside me. Well done you crazy artist you, that's not art, it's messin with me vision you wanker.

ooooo but lets come back again one day, as us, not just me x

Currently listening:Let Me Introduce My FriendsBy I'm from Barcelona
Release date: 20 March, 2007

So there was this woman and she was on a airplane

Friday, June 15, 2007

My second day in Barcelona, I'm sat on the tiniest balcony with me laptop in me, well lap over looking terocata rooftops, satillite dishes; to one side of me is the ocean and to the other sise is mountains I can't even see what is at the top of, butr I know the lights twinkle at night time. Peoples washing hangs in the balance 12 story's high, and I be questioning where my smalls were gonna fall if i was them.But this is Spain, and as is the nature of the county, anything goes. It's uber chilled out, maybe its the sun, or may be it's the cheap wine. (I bought bottle of red vino for €1.01 and i thought that was a bit fooking steep)
I'm sure i saw the guy who sang the macarena get on the tube.Sonar by night kicks off in a few hours. I may pop along, after a ickle siesta.I'm having an amazing little time on me own, but I'd be lying if i didnt want someone else here, if only to sit here and share this amazing view with me.bueno no?

Currently listening:The Ugly OrganBy Cursive
Release date: 04 March, 2003

Leaving on a Jet Plane pt1

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Having woke up in Manchester and tried to take something back in Primark this dinner time, I'm now sat on a balcony over looking all these lush twinkly lights of Barcelona at half 12 at night.It's warm and I can see people getting ready for bed.Oh and I'm on my own. For those of you who know me, I am terrified of flying, so this is a pretty big deal for me, even though i can't quite remember getting on the plane.So far I've managed to wake up a pair of gays when i tryed to open their apartment with my keys, and splashed red wine half way up the window and interioir of the aeroplane and myself.This is all very bizzare, it may be one of the most stupidist things i have ever done, or one of the most fantastic.So here's to me adding 'o' to every word to make it sound Spanish, and having my own little adventure! I'll keep y'all updated on the MySpaceo and Facebookio no?
xxBxx

Currently listening:Sketches of SpainBy Miles Davis
Release date: 23 September, 1997

the old drunken dog and bone....

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

After a night on the tiles t'uther evening i checked my phone in the morning..(as every ungover over woman does, but I'm not one for phoning ex boyfriends in a drunken rant - I'd rather nip round, or stand outside their bedroom window)
I'd managed to call my best mates boyfriends, the police station in Didsbury and a taxi comapny in Leeds.
I dont know what i was trying to achieve with all this. Answers on a postcard please.

Currently listening:Grease (Original 1978 Motion Picture Soundtrack)By Olivia Newton-JohnRelease date: 16 April, 1991

toilet humour...

Friday, May 25, 2007

Next fancy dress party I'm going as this:

http://www.buycostumes.com/ProductDetail.aspx?ProductID=21169&PCatID=chi...&ccatid=childboysclassics

That's child abuse at it's best that is.

Currently listening:War of the Toilet Gear By CorpseFucking Art

Pirate Golfin' crazy

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I went to Glasgow for the weekend. I spent a fun-filled night in Walkabouts dancing like a nob on podium behind a person in an all in one forensics suit, until they turned around and saw me and ran off- later i was to find out it was a woman. Then i ate a Scottish slash Indian pizza and it tasted like the stuff of dreams. Today I went to Glasgows very own version of a theme park, and started to feel a bit dazed by all the 2p machines and those games you spend all your pocket money on trying to win a wonky Bugs Bunny. I felt like i was bein raped by amusments. I had a game of bingo, and the prizes on offer included a massive bottle of screenwash, a twelve pack of toilet paper and a car waxing kit. But the bestest thing about the whole place was a Pirate themed crazy golf. It was magical, but I couldn't play because I had to get my train home. Maybe next time. Currently listening : Walk the Plank By Pirates of the Mississippi Release date: By 16 June, 1995

..I'll come at ya like a bag of spanners

Monday, May 14, 2007

Sayings that have made me giggle during the past week:

- "I'm so angry i could punch a moose in the stomach"

- "i feel like ive been beaten up under water, and bits of my head are falling away like a wet cake"

- "suck on my pole"

So now you know what gets me going I invite you to try and break this face...not in a punchy way tho mind choo...

Currently listening : Lounge Against the Machine By Richard Cheese Release date: By 17 October, 2000

Help the Aged...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Why do old people look like they're wearing a uniform? Where is this shop where they buy all their sensible shoes and polyester fabrics? I do like old people tho. A little old lady stopped me in the street the other day and asked me where 'Help the aged' was and it warmed my little cockles, even though i didnt know and sent her on her merry way in the direction of main road. With all their experience in life and tales of the world we should really talk to them more, and help them across the road, Apart from the old fella who weed on me on the bus.. Currently listening : The War and Postwar Years By George Formby Release date: By 31 January, 2006 4:25 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

my crap week...so far

Thursday, May 03, 2007 Oh no! This weeks been the worst week I've had in a long time.. Was pretty excited to have me office to me self again on Monday (there's a swing, and over the past few days have been trying to see how far across the room I can reach when i jumped off - so was planning to work on that again...) On Monday morning Manchester's Northern Quarter had it's own little drama as a masseeeve fire took place in a building on Dale Street, which closed dow half of the area, including my buikding. I was finally allowed in on Tuesday along with a few other people from my building, with a man in a hard hat and a big torch. I made a joke as we went in the dark, smelly place. "Why don't we just take the lift" Well, that went down like a lead balloon. Too soon? I'll save you the details but it looks like a whole building of little independant companies are out of action for a month or so... So what else has made this week fucking special too? I've just wiped my whole IPod. Me litle pod had plugged its slutty ass into so many people's itunes, it'd whored it's white thang into so many computers that I'll never get all of me tunes back..and I'm truly gutted. From lush little playlists, to sentimental numbers. From a riff to a lyric, sometimes a song is all you need to bring back memories that last a life time and make you smile. Bollocks Did i mention a taxi reversed into me as well? - walking disaster (stop laughing) Currently listening : Barbeque Babylon By Stan Ridgway Release date: By 30 August, 2005

I believe in miri-coils

Friday, April 27, 2007

He'd done it, he's finally been released from this metal chairy cage.
If only for a few seconds...and a purely comical way.,.
You shouldn't laugh....

click here where its all underlined and blue

Steven great though, a really thoughtful guy, top publicity stunt for a little something I'm organising later this month, it's a charity bash for the dolphin faced kids down the street...

NEW EVENT BULLETIN:

THE SHOW,Cabaret

Introducing the monotone drones of Stephen Hawkins, who will compere the nights proceedings. Stephen, the star of such productions as 'You Just Want Me For My Wheels' and 'You Sound Sexy When you Say That', will open up evenings exclusive proceedings.

First on the bill, the opening act of the night is 'The Lost Souls'. The group formed in 1995, or was that 1986, I can't remember, and fronted by ex-US president and movie star,Ronald Reagan specialises in experimental and unco-ordinated stage direction. The Lost Souls orginated in 'Smithes Retirement Home', Washington, and such sketches as 'I Need the Toilet', 'You Remind me of My Husband', and 'Who are You?' are firm favourites with the audience.

Following this sensational act we have the former boxing legend, Mohammed Ali and time travelling expert, Michael J Fox. Watch in awe as the duo are handed an Etch a Sketch to the soundtrack of "All Shook Up" and create delightful, challenging compositions of famous faces.

The fun doesn't stop there, oh no.

The latest addition to the bill include tantastic Bob Monkhouse- who challenges YOU the audience to 'guess the shade', and number crunching, wacky tie wearing, Richard Whitley.

This exclusive show will be running for ONE night only. Please keep checking back for further confirmations and news!

THE SHOW x

Special Thanks To:
Health and Safety Officer: Steve Irwin
Audience Liaison: Adolf Hitler

Currently listening : Caberet 2000 By Various Artists Release date: By 14 January, 2005

Stop the tuna love

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I was at the bus top today when a group of legging wearing, scarf adorning, Southern student lasses with horrible voices were loudly discussin what they were havin for their tea.

"Im in a Tuna mood"

I overheard, and took a step back, ran up to her and dropped kicked her in the head, then pummled her until she admitted she was wrong and that there was plenty more fish in the sea to eat....

Stop the tuna love.

Currently listening : Everything Sucks By Reel Big Fish Release date: By 23 October, 2001

Brrrrrr...

Monday, April 23, 2007

Why do some things taste better frozen?

Like you can get Frozen yoghurt..but you can also get normal yoghurt, for arguments sake I'll call that 'warm Yoghurt'.

Both are nice don't get me wrong. Is it because it's fun to eat? Well no it's not cause i got major brain freeze yesterday in Nandos when i was seeing how much bottomless frozen yoghurt i could eat.

So then, why don't you get warm ice-cream, like liquid ice-cream. Why do people enjoy it cold. Its frozen for god sake...

I was going somewhere with this...

Currently listening : Cool as Ice By Vanilla Ice Release date: By 08 October, 1991

in my day.....

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I heard the funniest thing on the radio today...

Hold on to your nanna, grab your granddad by his y-fronts.

There's a plan to start tagging old people. Now i dont mean spray painting your initials on a wrinkly, but popping a device onto a pensioners leg so that they don't get lost.

So when your Grannies finally lost her marbles, she's calling you Jeff and she's looking in the freezer for Hitler there's a satillite tracking her every move.

I can't stop thinking about a OAP Battle Royale scenario...and there's blood, guts, false hips and pacemakers everywhere.

But joking aside kids, respect your elders, you never know what their will may hold, or when you will be weeing yourself and shaking your fist at the youth of today.

Currently listening : We'll Meet Again By Vera Lynn Release date: By 21 February, 1995

the drive of your life...way-hey

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

With the Magic Bus weekly ticket going up to 4 quid I've decided to learn to drive.

during my second lesson t'ther day i couldn't grasp a thing. The instructor said he was out of breath talking me through things.

I was taking a left turn and an old lady came zooming out (oh the old cows can move when they want), and instead of applyin me brakes i just covered my face like a tiny human shield, and then got mad and said "yeah you laugh you old bastard" - i was going to get out and kick her car aswell.

My instructor said it was my fault.

45 min into the lesson i forgot how to take the handbrake off, so we had to run through the basics again. My instructor said i kept crunching it and would i stop cus it was a brand new car.

I'm currently looking for people to take me driving.

Just send your name and number and a stamped address envelope to the usual address

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Monday, April 09, 2007

Do I know you?

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is fooking great film.

I wonder what it wold be like if the memory-erasing company, Lacuna Inc actually existed.

The easy way out? Or a great chance to have one of those brain helmety things on that looks like a colander strapped to yer head?

would you erase me?