tumble outta bed, and stumble to the kitchen...

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Howdy.

Just checking out Dolly ont t'internet. The lady who's breasts could make Jordan weep more than her wonky child, has not done too bad for herself. She's had a hard life y'know.

Not only does she have her own Theme Park; 'DollyWood', her own WaterPark; 'Splash Country', her own chain of rodeo themed resturants 'Dolly's Dixie Stampede' and this:

http://www.imaginationlibrary.com/ - this is brillaint.

As well as forking out on a few huge purchses such as a rollercoaster, a big waterslide and a army of pre-pubescent Americans snotting into burgers and making the fat dangerous, she marketing imagination, and not only that a whole library of the stuff.

You dont even have to think for yourself anymore. Visit the Dolly library.

You think Richard Branson's Virginess has taken over every element of everything, Dolly's marketing imagination- genius.

The corporate bitch

There's not a word that I comprehend

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Have you ever felt so happy that you beam?

Have you ever got those tiny knots in your belly when you think of someone...

Have you ever had the feeling when its all been taken away and your left feeling rather empty, a head full of thoughts and wonderin what changed?

Aswell as going a bit emo with all this I'd much rather be having my not so long ago happy thoughts and a smile on my face... wouldn't you?

** i can see your scalp...

Saturday, March 24, 2007

There's a number of things that make me smile to myself during my day to day doings and happenings...

These tiny things you see that makes you happy to be living on this little planet.

One of these marvels is combovers.

The damm fine hair style where on which the wearee grows one side of his (or her) hair long on one side then flips it over to cover his balding bonce.

These can truly be amazing, and do really fool the passer by into thinking that the person does have a florishing full head of hair.

Does it bollocks, but it does make you wonder why the hell they think it does.

And who in the bejesus thought of this "foolproof" way of covering baldness? Did one bloke wake up in the morning and his head fell that way. Or did the dog do it? One day while crying stroking his shiny head, all broken and depressed because he was 25 and the impeeding baldness wouold defo put a stop to his sordid one night stands, deurchary and infedelity, he stroked his spaniel the wrong way and though genius! Lo and behold the comb over was born.

There has to be some denial in there somewhere. Why not just shave it all off and every summer buy special sun tan cream to stop your head from burning. Because they have pride in the hair, they want to keep the hair, the hair is the man and all that. Im sure if they chopped a bollock off theyd sweep the other one over and create a new pair.

Here is a few of my favourite:

He looks like he'd make your children self harm when they're older.

More of a 'comb under over fuck it no-one will notice'

Watersports beginner

Saturday, March 17, 2007

It's something i havn't done before. It's not something I'd ever even thought of gettin into before, but i was about to be thrown into the world of watersports quite by accident.

it all started one late summers evening....on the bus to Fallowfield.

I had just finished a days work and i boarded a rather empty double decker a la magique. I sat myself down next to the window (but not on one of those high set of seats) and buried my head in that weeks issue of Closer.

About 2 stops later on Oxford Road a quite obviously dunk fella got on the bus, and from his selection of empty seats he parked his sweaty, alcohol filled arse next to me.

Initially I wasn't too bothered by the squiffy bloke sat next to me, until he started to fall asleep and do that crazy thing where your head falls just as your nodding off and your sub-consious kicks in and pops it back up again. Only this was happening right on my shoulder. Each time the bloke woke up he looked suprised to find out he was sat on a bus, as if he wasn't expecting to be on public transport.

With the annoyance carrying on on my shoulder i used my magazine as a barrier between me and the drunk. A cunning anti- fat bastard device if i may say so myself, yet somehow didn't block the reek of wee that this guy was carrying around with him.

So Ive got a fat pissed old fart drueling on my shoulder, with a popular trashy mag wedged by his face, breathing through my nose.

Now it may have been the actual odour of wee, or the dewy summer air, but i felt a few trickles on my Birkenstocked little feet. Nah, it couldn't be, i thought and carried on reading about Jordans tubby kid who'd took another tumble.

No, yes, yes, yup yes this guy was weeing, he was weeing right there, he was soiling himself on the bus, sat right where he was, his expression not changing, no sigh of relief, nope just having a wee. ON MY FEET.

There was no way i could move, he was fat, I was only armed with Closer, and as the wee tricked down the bus he stood up and got off. As though it had never happened..

There was no way i was going to sit there slightly damp, with me toes squelching of someone elses wee.

I got off the bus 3 stops early and sprinted home.

When i arrive home i jumped in the shower and cried like Ace Ventura.

This happened a year ago, and i saw the bloke on the bus yesterday, i felt i should've returned the favour....

beam me up...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Anybody seen the genuis that is Stewie from Family Guy do his rendition of Elton's Rocket Man?, well here's where he got it from.. The Shat- Meister (great name for a porno no?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVbv6r_tKnE

Quack, quack

Saturday, February 24, 2007

A ducks quack doesn't echo...

How the hell did one find out this significant piece of information. Here's my theory....

So Michael was sat in his secret cave, and Peter quacked.

Peter being the said duck.

Michael thought this was a bit odd. You see Michael loved the animals. He had a special place he took them. Michael wondered why little Peter wasn't making as much noise as the rest. Only last Saturday Daisy the local cow (n o how her cheese is so good ..but that's not for here) had cried the cave down. Her moos had ricocheted the walls of the ancient seaside structure.

Michael wasn't a bad lad. Just one of those 'uncles' that ur mum warned you of, and he had an uncanny look of sloth from the Goonies about him. But as a five yr old you thought this was a bit kooky n cool, and who cares you just ate a pile of worms earlier.

Anywho cutting along story short. Michael was doing Peter up the wrong and realised he had struck gold, because unlike the puppies, kittens and all the others he's sampled 'ol Peter, no matter how much he expressed his enjoyment, he couldn't be heard by the masses,

Onto a winner Michael told his mate Dave, who was also bald, but had mucheo respek for the aviation breed, but also did long hours at the local wind tunnel testing kites and other toys of interest to small children.

Dave told his mate scientist Rob about Michaels new discovery.

So Rob with his terribly big mouth told the worlds media.

That was it. Ok so the world knew that a ducks quack didn't echo, and that was very good ammunition for the dead end pub conversation or the ideal antidote to slip into a moment by the water cooler on a drab Thursday morning. But Rob the big mouthed scientist had spoilt it for all duck loving fanciers out there.

Nice Pair...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Watching the documentry on the conjoined twins with one body and two heads on the fountain of knowledge and all that is god and great, Channel 5.

Im I wierd that I'm wondering what they look like naked?

hair today....

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Friends eh?

Always handing out advice like 'Stop messing with your hair' 'just leave it alone' 'thats twice you've dyed it now in a week'

I never listen. Its my godam head dammit. and i get bored.

So today i decided to blach it back to blonde...from light brown. Ive been toying with this idea for a few week.

and if you know me you'll remember las year wen i went to Aflecks for a hair cut sat down made a quip about alapecia and ended up looking like i was taking every day as it comes and my mum had made a plea with the local paper and i was off to swim with dophins later that month.
Then i tried to dye it from black to blonde, and ended up bleaching it 5 times in one day and my hair was like a bal o cotton wool.

I should have listened to my mates

Im now sat here with bright ginger hair, nursing a glass of wine, praying my second application of bleach will tone the colour down from flouresent orange to a more subtle shade of ging.
shit

Fancy a bit of thigh?

Thursday February 8th 2007

First the prostitutes, now the turkeys.
The chances of getting a gobble in Suffolk are getting quite remote...

this funny old feeling....

Monday, February 05, 2007

blogs are for getting things off your chest, a random thought here and there, a rant, a rave, an exclamation, a heart wrenching outpour of feelings, to let people know what your thinking, to bear a grudge, to describe a wonderful night, to tell folk about your life, ups and downs, funny YouTube videos of two midgets fucking a chicken*.

I could probably have a pop at all the above right now.

But I'd probably sound a bit too emo.

Bx

*just pop "midget fucking poultry" in Google

Imagine If They'd have won...

Friday, January 19, 2007

Saving Private Ryan could have been so different
http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,1390574,00.html

Find a girl in your area, NOW!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I can't believe all these boys moaning they can't find a decent good looking woman.

Well I'll let you into a secret guys, I found a place where there's tons of fit women just waiting for you. It's true I've seen it, I've seen THEM, and their all fit, short skirts, little white vest tops, nipple on, pouty lips, my god if i licked fom the furry cup I'd have a bit.

The best thing about it their all waiting to take your call, or even text, yes you can text them!! It only costs £1.50, but what's £1.50 for a lifetime of happiness with a nice bit of crumpet?

It's like someone's kidnapped a load of models, bunged em in a room and chucked aload of mobile phones at em.

Just watch ITV around 12 in the evening and their all strutting their stuff on the telly just wanting men. These lasses are even putting their phone numbers out there. A bit slaggish you might say- but who's ever pulled a lass in 42's and not known where she's bin?

Get on it lads before the secrets out.

Oh if you do bag one of these honies let me in on the action, I'll bring me camera, i just bought a big memory card for it.

WOW, SO YOU'RE IN A BAND...

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Just seen that thin whispy blonde twat go into the Celeb Big Brother house, but fair do's to H, it looks like he's doing well for himself these days.

YOU BUY ONE GET ONE FREE, A SAID YOU BUY ONE.......

Monday, January 01, 2007

Do people actually go and buy cut price settees/windows/doors/conservatories/flooring/tiles on Boxing Day?

"Here Steve the laminate's lookin' a bit thin, it needs changing again"

Dont get me wrong i love a bit of laminate me mums just fitted it round at ours and i've never had so much fun going to the toilet, sliding on me good socks from me bedroom to the bathroom.

To be honest with you though I think I'm just getting annoyed with Martin Kemp, I just wanna wipe that smug grin off his twatty face- oh how the mighty have fallen

It was Christmas Eve babe....

Friday, December 22, 2006

As i pointed out at the begininng of all the blogging madness, I'm transfering my blog from it's old home to this white & pink structure...hey read on with me, take a little look back..in no time at all we'll be back to the present day madness, its a reyt fooking treat tho, so keep reading, i mean i'm not too fussedif your put off by this 'going back in time' malarky..ok I am...it helps nowadys to be virtually popular...

Just how fast has Christmas come along this year?

I have a very idealistic view of Christmas, i want it to be all white, smiley warm and cosy, and i hate the night of Boxing day when you know its all over for another year. I also hate it when things dont go to plan and I feel I've wasted the yule tide for another year.

I'm a very happy Christmas bunny this year

But this year has been cool. Ok I've worked bloody hard for the last few months and rushed my shopping, forgot lots of pressies and fucked up a few. But tommorrow i shall go home to me folks in Sheffers- back to the chaos that is the the Turnbull house for another typically fantastic Christmas with too many dogs, too much food, alot of booze and perhaps the odd argument- fan- fuking- tastic.

So here's a to a cool Christmas, here's to gorging on so much food you feel a little guilty for the africans, but not for the homeless cus they should really get a job, and remembering what Christmas is all about, that little lad who was born in a stable, that alot of people heard stories about a wrote a huge book about - i wont spoil the ending - cus its a bit shit and I'll get to that around Easter time.

Merry Christmas to all, and bah humbug to the rest of you fuckers

Louise, no matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you

Sunday, December 17, 2006

MY NEW WARDROBE
A stunning tale of heartache, friendship and shocking revelations...

I hated my wardrobe when i moved into my new gaff. It was one of those metal structures with no sides and it looked like a cage. A really crap cage because it had no door and the lion would escape. All my clothes were on show and risked the brunt of the dust and those pesky clothes fairies that fly in during dark hours feeding off my Primarni jeans, hand me downs and that kooky leather gimp suit i keep stuffed behind my noose and 10" purple throbber so no-one can see it.

It also looked shit.

For what seemed like 6 months (it was actually 6 months) i pestered my landlord for a new wardrobe. I'd already Carol Smilied my room; ripped out wallpaper, painted me walls and stripped my fireplace- Lawrence Leweliyn Bastard Bowen would be shitting his velvet pants and quiverring in his flouncy gay sleeves if he could see me room.

One day after a hard day at the office i returned home to find a stnning white wardrobe in the middle of my room, complete with chiq plastic handles- it was truly yummy, but stuck in the middle of my room.

I was excited, i enjoy a good piece of furniture.

I opened the door to have a peer inside- y'know check if it hada pole i could hang my clothes off using clothes hangers- i had the misfortune of having a wardrobe last year that actually didn't have a pole and i was terribly disapointed.

This is what i found

It is Susan Sarandon.

6 blown up photos of Susan Sarandon laced with gold paint and gold glitter arranged in such a fashion as if she was an angel sent down my god to nurture my soul and make all things right in this big bad world.

I'd be lying if i said i wasn't a bit scared.I looked aound my room to see if there was a knifed maniac hiding behind my curtains quoting Stepmom and holding Julia Roberts to ransom.

Fuck knows where my landlord got it from. But i imagine there's now a very disturbed person in prison beating his meat to Thelma and Louise.

My Aniversary

Sunday, November 05, 2006

It's been a year since my first blog.

A whole year since i joined this new phenomenom of writing words onto a computer for all to see. A personal soapbox if you will, a blatent 'look at me' or a useful way of writing down random thoughts in you head while your sat on your own after your 7th glass of red. hmmm I'm not an attention seeking wanker so I guess it's the latter.

Let us take a look at my first rant. Ah i remember it well, i was sat at home in Sheffers, the eve of our Halloween party last year.....

HOUSE PARTY VIRGIN Current mood: crazy just about to be broken in..of sorts **probably should have opted for that extra box of nibbles from Lidls** 2m is the day of our first house party, my first at being the hostess. **I did a grand job of that** It can either go 2 ways: 1. no-one turns up. Remember the shittest party you've been to whwre u can hear a needle drop in the attic. the punch is untouched the nibbles are un nibbled and the conversation has turned to 'ooo my mums got that lamp... **Every fucker n his dog turned up, one memorable moment was me falling into a guy who had turned up wearing a blow-up sumo suit and almost inhaling his nipple as a went in for a hug** 2. the house is rammed and i end up with that suspect vomit in the corner and turd in the fridge the next morning, **no, that would be the suspected vomit in the sink (in the bathroom that no-one ever went in and someone found me in, a few months later quite worse for wear declaring 'oooo iv never been in here before') that stayed there until July this year**

It's all a bit bizzare what's happened since then. I can't be arsed to bore you with the details, but if you told me last year that I'd be where i am today, I'd tell you to go get me whatever your on...

For the most part I'm very very happy, a little part of me in frowning because I'm sat in a very dusty house with no toilet paper.

PUT DOWN THE KNITTING THE BOOK AND THE BROOM

Saturday, October 28, 2006

NEW EVENT BULLETIN:

THE SHOW,Cabaret

Introducing the monotone drones of Stephen Hawkins, who will compere the nights proceedings. Stephen, the star of such productions as 'You Just Want Me For My Wheels' and 'You Sound Sexy When you Say That', will open up evenings exclusive proceedings.

First on the bill, the opening act of the night is 'The Lost Souls'. The group formed in 1995, or was that 1986, I can't remember, and fronted by ex-US president and movie star,Ronald Reagan specialises in experimental and unco-ordinated stage direction. The Lost Souls orginated in 'Smithes Retirement Home', Washington, and such sketches as 'I Need the Toilet', 'You Remind me of My Husband', and 'Who are You?' are firm favourites with the audience.

Following this sensational act we have the former boxing legend, Mohammed Ali and time travelling expert, Michael J Fox. Watch in awe as the duo are handed an Etch a Sketch to the soundtrack of "All Shook Up" and create delightful, challenging compositions of famous faces.

The fun doesn't stop there, oh no.

The latest addition to the bill include tantastic Bob Monkhouse- who challenges YOU the audience to 'guess the shade', and number crunching, wacky tie wearing, Richard Whitley.

This exclusive show will be running for ONE night only. Please keep checking back for further confirmations and news!

THE SHOW x

Special Thanks To:
Health and Safety Officer: Steve Irwin
Audience Liaison: Adolf Hitler

...welcome to the future...a very lazy place...

Sunday October 22nd 2006

I can't find the remote control for the TV.

Ok, I can find the remote, but not the right one. The digital one has gone walkies. The TVs just a 'stand-up and reach' away. JUST a 'stand-up and reach away' why, that means putting the laptop on the couch, bending my legs and flicking the buttons.

But what if i choose the wrong channel? what if '1000 Best Comedy Moments Whilst Mounting a Donkey' doesn't present the content i was wishing upon.What if its just finished? I may be missing 'The One Where A Group of Middle Ages Mates Happen Upon a Funny Scenerio, and The Storyline Takes an Unexpected Turn, Where You and All Your Mates Expected It Would Go, But Secretly Love American Sitcom Shit' episode of Friends.

So I've been sat here for an hour watching a group of disables cross a desert. It all started a bit wierd with...

-"Introducing Sandra- she has one leg, Ruby's Paralysed, Steve's in a wheelchair, Amys a midget and Peters got Tourettes."

I don't what I think of all this. A challenge or a fucking cruel narrative aimed at a diserning, de-sensitized audience who crave for nothing short of Live Rape or OAP Slaying...

"Rubys complaining because Amys hitching a ride on her lap... "

hmm seemingly pointless expedition or an example of sheer human determination? the latter i imagine..

I can't even stand up to turn the fucking TV over

PURELY BEDLAM....

Sunday, October 15, 2006

EEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
If i get stuck inside a primark duvert cover again, getting lost in another realm of cheap fabric....hide the knives and the bleach cus i'm gonna top me self.

I cant stand changing me bed sheets. Me mam taught me when i was a wee 'un, but you can never do it as well as yer mam can ya? it even has those lovely creases on it..i think its called ironing?

ok so its corner to corner, stuff the rest of the duvet in, pop it close (i always miss a bloody poppy thing 2 and have to undo it all again), then give it a helluva shake.
BUT WHY ARE THERE BUMPS?

I swear the sheer thought of changing me sheets brings me out in a cold sweat, it turns me into Michael Douglas in that film...not Basic Instinct..

Ah but when its done...when you have clean sheets...mmmm it is the most yummiest feeling in the world.

Probably worth all that screaming....


Definatly