It's something i havn't done before. It's not something I'd ever even thought of gettin into before, but i was about to be thrown into the world of watersports quite by accident.
it all started one late summers evening....on the bus to Fallowfield.
I had just finished a days work and i boarded a rather empty double decker a la magique. I sat myself down next to the window (but not on one of those high set of seats) and buried my head in that weeks issue of Closer.
About 2 stops later on Oxford Road a quite obviously dunk fella got on the bus, and from his selection of empty seats he parked his sweaty, alcohol filled arse next to me.
Initially I wasn't too bothered by the squiffy bloke sat next to me, until he started to fall asleep and do that crazy thing where your head falls just as your nodding off and your sub-consious kicks in and pops it back up again. Only this was happening right on my shoulder. Each time the bloke woke up he looked suprised to find out he was sat on a bus, as if he wasn't expecting to be on public transport.
With the annoyance carrying on on my shoulder i used my magazine as a barrier between me and the drunk. A cunning anti- fat bastard device if i may say so myself, yet somehow didn't block the reek of wee that this guy was carrying around with him.
So Ive got a fat pissed old fart drueling on my shoulder, with a popular trashy mag wedged by his face, breathing through my nose.
Now it may have been the actual odour of wee, or the dewy summer air, but i felt a few trickles on my Birkenstocked little feet. Nah, it couldn't be, i thought and carried on reading about Jordans tubby kid who'd took another tumble.
No, yes, yes, yup yes this guy was weeing, he was weeing right there, he was soiling himself on the bus, sat right where he was, his expression not changing, no sigh of relief, nope just having a wee. ON MY FEET.
There was no way i could move, he was fat, I was only armed with Closer, and as the wee tricked down the bus he stood up and got off. As though it had never happened..
There was no way i was going to sit there slightly damp, with me toes squelching of someone elses wee.
I got off the bus 3 stops early and sprinted home.
When i arrive home i jumped in the shower and cried like Ace Ventura.
This happened a year ago, and i saw the bloke on the bus yesterday, i felt i should've returned the favour....
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