tumble outta bed, and stumble to the kitchen...

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Howdy.

Just checking out Dolly ont t'internet. The lady who's breasts could make Jordan weep more than her wonky child, has not done too bad for herself. She's had a hard life y'know.

Not only does she have her own Theme Park; 'DollyWood', her own WaterPark; 'Splash Country', her own chain of rodeo themed resturants 'Dolly's Dixie Stampede' and this:

http://www.imaginationlibrary.com/ - this is brillaint.

As well as forking out on a few huge purchses such as a rollercoaster, a big waterslide and a army of pre-pubescent Americans snotting into burgers and making the fat dangerous, she marketing imagination, and not only that a whole library of the stuff.

You dont even have to think for yourself anymore. Visit the Dolly library.

You think Richard Branson's Virginess has taken over every element of everything, Dolly's marketing imagination- genius.

The corporate bitch

There's not a word that I comprehend

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Have you ever felt so happy that you beam?

Have you ever got those tiny knots in your belly when you think of someone...

Have you ever had the feeling when its all been taken away and your left feeling rather empty, a head full of thoughts and wonderin what changed?

Aswell as going a bit emo with all this I'd much rather be having my not so long ago happy thoughts and a smile on my face... wouldn't you?

** i can see your scalp...

Saturday, March 24, 2007

There's a number of things that make me smile to myself during my day to day doings and happenings...

These tiny things you see that makes you happy to be living on this little planet.

One of these marvels is combovers.

The damm fine hair style where on which the wearee grows one side of his (or her) hair long on one side then flips it over to cover his balding bonce.

These can truly be amazing, and do really fool the passer by into thinking that the person does have a florishing full head of hair.

Does it bollocks, but it does make you wonder why the hell they think it does.

And who in the bejesus thought of this "foolproof" way of covering baldness? Did one bloke wake up in the morning and his head fell that way. Or did the dog do it? One day while crying stroking his shiny head, all broken and depressed because he was 25 and the impeeding baldness wouold defo put a stop to his sordid one night stands, deurchary and infedelity, he stroked his spaniel the wrong way and though genius! Lo and behold the comb over was born.

There has to be some denial in there somewhere. Why not just shave it all off and every summer buy special sun tan cream to stop your head from burning. Because they have pride in the hair, they want to keep the hair, the hair is the man and all that. Im sure if they chopped a bollock off theyd sweep the other one over and create a new pair.

Here is a few of my favourite:

He looks like he'd make your children self harm when they're older.

More of a 'comb under over fuck it no-one will notice'

Watersports beginner

Saturday, March 17, 2007

It's something i havn't done before. It's not something I'd ever even thought of gettin into before, but i was about to be thrown into the world of watersports quite by accident.

it all started one late summers evening....on the bus to Fallowfield.

I had just finished a days work and i boarded a rather empty double decker a la magique. I sat myself down next to the window (but not on one of those high set of seats) and buried my head in that weeks issue of Closer.

About 2 stops later on Oxford Road a quite obviously dunk fella got on the bus, and from his selection of empty seats he parked his sweaty, alcohol filled arse next to me.

Initially I wasn't too bothered by the squiffy bloke sat next to me, until he started to fall asleep and do that crazy thing where your head falls just as your nodding off and your sub-consious kicks in and pops it back up again. Only this was happening right on my shoulder. Each time the bloke woke up he looked suprised to find out he was sat on a bus, as if he wasn't expecting to be on public transport.

With the annoyance carrying on on my shoulder i used my magazine as a barrier between me and the drunk. A cunning anti- fat bastard device if i may say so myself, yet somehow didn't block the reek of wee that this guy was carrying around with him.

So Ive got a fat pissed old fart drueling on my shoulder, with a popular trashy mag wedged by his face, breathing through my nose.

Now it may have been the actual odour of wee, or the dewy summer air, but i felt a few trickles on my Birkenstocked little feet. Nah, it couldn't be, i thought and carried on reading about Jordans tubby kid who'd took another tumble.

No, yes, yes, yup yes this guy was weeing, he was weeing right there, he was soiling himself on the bus, sat right where he was, his expression not changing, no sigh of relief, nope just having a wee. ON MY FEET.

There was no way i could move, he was fat, I was only armed with Closer, and as the wee tricked down the bus he stood up and got off. As though it had never happened..

There was no way i was going to sit there slightly damp, with me toes squelching of someone elses wee.

I got off the bus 3 stops early and sprinted home.

When i arrive home i jumped in the shower and cried like Ace Ventura.

This happened a year ago, and i saw the bloke on the bus yesterday, i felt i should've returned the favour....

beam me up...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Anybody seen the genuis that is Stewie from Family Guy do his rendition of Elton's Rocket Man?, well here's where he got it from.. The Shat- Meister (great name for a porno no?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVbv6r_tKnE

Quack, quack

Saturday, February 24, 2007

A ducks quack doesn't echo...

How the hell did one find out this significant piece of information. Here's my theory....

So Michael was sat in his secret cave, and Peter quacked.

Peter being the said duck.

Michael thought this was a bit odd. You see Michael loved the animals. He had a special place he took them. Michael wondered why little Peter wasn't making as much noise as the rest. Only last Saturday Daisy the local cow (n o how her cheese is so good ..but that's not for here) had cried the cave down. Her moos had ricocheted the walls of the ancient seaside structure.

Michael wasn't a bad lad. Just one of those 'uncles' that ur mum warned you of, and he had an uncanny look of sloth from the Goonies about him. But as a five yr old you thought this was a bit kooky n cool, and who cares you just ate a pile of worms earlier.

Anywho cutting along story short. Michael was doing Peter up the wrong and realised he had struck gold, because unlike the puppies, kittens and all the others he's sampled 'ol Peter, no matter how much he expressed his enjoyment, he couldn't be heard by the masses,

Onto a winner Michael told his mate Dave, who was also bald, but had mucheo respek for the aviation breed, but also did long hours at the local wind tunnel testing kites and other toys of interest to small children.

Dave told his mate scientist Rob about Michaels new discovery.

So Rob with his terribly big mouth told the worlds media.

That was it. Ok so the world knew that a ducks quack didn't echo, and that was very good ammunition for the dead end pub conversation or the ideal antidote to slip into a moment by the water cooler on a drab Thursday morning. But Rob the big mouthed scientist had spoilt it for all duck loving fanciers out there.

Nice Pair...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Watching the documentry on the conjoined twins with one body and two heads on the fountain of knowledge and all that is god and great, Channel 5.

Im I wierd that I'm wondering what they look like naked?

hair today....

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Friends eh?

Always handing out advice like 'Stop messing with your hair' 'just leave it alone' 'thats twice you've dyed it now in a week'

I never listen. Its my godam head dammit. and i get bored.

So today i decided to blach it back to blonde...from light brown. Ive been toying with this idea for a few week.

and if you know me you'll remember las year wen i went to Aflecks for a hair cut sat down made a quip about alapecia and ended up looking like i was taking every day as it comes and my mum had made a plea with the local paper and i was off to swim with dophins later that month.
Then i tried to dye it from black to blonde, and ended up bleaching it 5 times in one day and my hair was like a bal o cotton wool.

I should have listened to my mates

Im now sat here with bright ginger hair, nursing a glass of wine, praying my second application of bleach will tone the colour down from flouresent orange to a more subtle shade of ging.
shit

Fancy a bit of thigh?

Thursday February 8th 2007

First the prostitutes, now the turkeys.
The chances of getting a gobble in Suffolk are getting quite remote...

this funny old feeling....

Monday, February 05, 2007

blogs are for getting things off your chest, a random thought here and there, a rant, a rave, an exclamation, a heart wrenching outpour of feelings, to let people know what your thinking, to bear a grudge, to describe a wonderful night, to tell folk about your life, ups and downs, funny YouTube videos of two midgets fucking a chicken*.

I could probably have a pop at all the above right now.

But I'd probably sound a bit too emo.

Bx

*just pop "midget fucking poultry" in Google

Imagine If They'd have won...

Friday, January 19, 2007

Saving Private Ryan could have been so different
http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,1390574,00.html

Find a girl in your area, NOW!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I can't believe all these boys moaning they can't find a decent good looking woman.

Well I'll let you into a secret guys, I found a place where there's tons of fit women just waiting for you. It's true I've seen it, I've seen THEM, and their all fit, short skirts, little white vest tops, nipple on, pouty lips, my god if i licked fom the furry cup I'd have a bit.

The best thing about it their all waiting to take your call, or even text, yes you can text them!! It only costs £1.50, but what's £1.50 for a lifetime of happiness with a nice bit of crumpet?

It's like someone's kidnapped a load of models, bunged em in a room and chucked aload of mobile phones at em.

Just watch ITV around 12 in the evening and their all strutting their stuff on the telly just wanting men. These lasses are even putting their phone numbers out there. A bit slaggish you might say- but who's ever pulled a lass in 42's and not known where she's bin?

Get on it lads before the secrets out.

Oh if you do bag one of these honies let me in on the action, I'll bring me camera, i just bought a big memory card for it.

WOW, SO YOU'RE IN A BAND...

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Just seen that thin whispy blonde twat go into the Celeb Big Brother house, but fair do's to H, it looks like he's doing well for himself these days.

YOU BUY ONE GET ONE FREE, A SAID YOU BUY ONE.......

Monday, January 01, 2007

Do people actually go and buy cut price settees/windows/doors/conservatories/flooring/tiles on Boxing Day?

"Here Steve the laminate's lookin' a bit thin, it needs changing again"

Dont get me wrong i love a bit of laminate me mums just fitted it round at ours and i've never had so much fun going to the toilet, sliding on me good socks from me bedroom to the bathroom.

To be honest with you though I think I'm just getting annoyed with Martin Kemp, I just wanna wipe that smug grin off his twatty face- oh how the mighty have fallen

It was Christmas Eve babe....

Friday, December 22, 2006

As i pointed out at the begininng of all the blogging madness, I'm transfering my blog from it's old home to this white & pink structure...hey read on with me, take a little look back..in no time at all we'll be back to the present day madness, its a reyt fooking treat tho, so keep reading, i mean i'm not too fussedif your put off by this 'going back in time' malarky..ok I am...it helps nowadys to be virtually popular...

Just how fast has Christmas come along this year?

I have a very idealistic view of Christmas, i want it to be all white, smiley warm and cosy, and i hate the night of Boxing day when you know its all over for another year. I also hate it when things dont go to plan and I feel I've wasted the yule tide for another year.

I'm a very happy Christmas bunny this year

But this year has been cool. Ok I've worked bloody hard for the last few months and rushed my shopping, forgot lots of pressies and fucked up a few. But tommorrow i shall go home to me folks in Sheffers- back to the chaos that is the the Turnbull house for another typically fantastic Christmas with too many dogs, too much food, alot of booze and perhaps the odd argument- fan- fuking- tastic.

So here's a to a cool Christmas, here's to gorging on so much food you feel a little guilty for the africans, but not for the homeless cus they should really get a job, and remembering what Christmas is all about, that little lad who was born in a stable, that alot of people heard stories about a wrote a huge book about - i wont spoil the ending - cus its a bit shit and I'll get to that around Easter time.

Merry Christmas to all, and bah humbug to the rest of you fuckers

Louise, no matter what happens, I'm glad I came with you

Sunday, December 17, 2006

MY NEW WARDROBE
A stunning tale of heartache, friendship and shocking revelations...

I hated my wardrobe when i moved into my new gaff. It was one of those metal structures with no sides and it looked like a cage. A really crap cage because it had no door and the lion would escape. All my clothes were on show and risked the brunt of the dust and those pesky clothes fairies that fly in during dark hours feeding off my Primarni jeans, hand me downs and that kooky leather gimp suit i keep stuffed behind my noose and 10" purple throbber so no-one can see it.

It also looked shit.

For what seemed like 6 months (it was actually 6 months) i pestered my landlord for a new wardrobe. I'd already Carol Smilied my room; ripped out wallpaper, painted me walls and stripped my fireplace- Lawrence Leweliyn Bastard Bowen would be shitting his velvet pants and quiverring in his flouncy gay sleeves if he could see me room.

One day after a hard day at the office i returned home to find a stnning white wardrobe in the middle of my room, complete with chiq plastic handles- it was truly yummy, but stuck in the middle of my room.

I was excited, i enjoy a good piece of furniture.

I opened the door to have a peer inside- y'know check if it hada pole i could hang my clothes off using clothes hangers- i had the misfortune of having a wardrobe last year that actually didn't have a pole and i was terribly disapointed.

This is what i found

It is Susan Sarandon.

6 blown up photos of Susan Sarandon laced with gold paint and gold glitter arranged in such a fashion as if she was an angel sent down my god to nurture my soul and make all things right in this big bad world.

I'd be lying if i said i wasn't a bit scared.I looked aound my room to see if there was a knifed maniac hiding behind my curtains quoting Stepmom and holding Julia Roberts to ransom.

Fuck knows where my landlord got it from. But i imagine there's now a very disturbed person in prison beating his meat to Thelma and Louise.

My Aniversary

Sunday, November 05, 2006

It's been a year since my first blog.

A whole year since i joined this new phenomenom of writing words onto a computer for all to see. A personal soapbox if you will, a blatent 'look at me' or a useful way of writing down random thoughts in you head while your sat on your own after your 7th glass of red. hmmm I'm not an attention seeking wanker so I guess it's the latter.

Let us take a look at my first rant. Ah i remember it well, i was sat at home in Sheffers, the eve of our Halloween party last year.....

HOUSE PARTY VIRGIN Current mood: crazy just about to be broken in..of sorts **probably should have opted for that extra box of nibbles from Lidls** 2m is the day of our first house party, my first at being the hostess. **I did a grand job of that** It can either go 2 ways: 1. no-one turns up. Remember the shittest party you've been to whwre u can hear a needle drop in the attic. the punch is untouched the nibbles are un nibbled and the conversation has turned to 'ooo my mums got that lamp... **Every fucker n his dog turned up, one memorable moment was me falling into a guy who had turned up wearing a blow-up sumo suit and almost inhaling his nipple as a went in for a hug** 2. the house is rammed and i end up with that suspect vomit in the corner and turd in the fridge the next morning, **no, that would be the suspected vomit in the sink (in the bathroom that no-one ever went in and someone found me in, a few months later quite worse for wear declaring 'oooo iv never been in here before') that stayed there until July this year**

It's all a bit bizzare what's happened since then. I can't be arsed to bore you with the details, but if you told me last year that I'd be where i am today, I'd tell you to go get me whatever your on...

For the most part I'm very very happy, a little part of me in frowning because I'm sat in a very dusty house with no toilet paper.

PUT DOWN THE KNITTING THE BOOK AND THE BROOM

Saturday, October 28, 2006

NEW EVENT BULLETIN:

THE SHOW,Cabaret

Introducing the monotone drones of Stephen Hawkins, who will compere the nights proceedings. Stephen, the star of such productions as 'You Just Want Me For My Wheels' and 'You Sound Sexy When you Say That', will open up evenings exclusive proceedings.

First on the bill, the opening act of the night is 'The Lost Souls'. The group formed in 1995, or was that 1986, I can't remember, and fronted by ex-US president and movie star,Ronald Reagan specialises in experimental and unco-ordinated stage direction. The Lost Souls orginated in 'Smithes Retirement Home', Washington, and such sketches as 'I Need the Toilet', 'You Remind me of My Husband', and 'Who are You?' are firm favourites with the audience.

Following this sensational act we have the former boxing legend, Mohammed Ali and time travelling expert, Michael J Fox. Watch in awe as the duo are handed an Etch a Sketch to the soundtrack of "All Shook Up" and create delightful, challenging compositions of famous faces.

The fun doesn't stop there, oh no.

The latest addition to the bill include tantastic Bob Monkhouse- who challenges YOU the audience to 'guess the shade', and number crunching, wacky tie wearing, Richard Whitley.

This exclusive show will be running for ONE night only. Please keep checking back for further confirmations and news!

THE SHOW x

Special Thanks To:
Health and Safety Officer: Steve Irwin
Audience Liaison: Adolf Hitler

...welcome to the future...a very lazy place...

Sunday October 22nd 2006

I can't find the remote control for the TV.

Ok, I can find the remote, but not the right one. The digital one has gone walkies. The TVs just a 'stand-up and reach' away. JUST a 'stand-up and reach away' why, that means putting the laptop on the couch, bending my legs and flicking the buttons.

But what if i choose the wrong channel? what if '1000 Best Comedy Moments Whilst Mounting a Donkey' doesn't present the content i was wishing upon.What if its just finished? I may be missing 'The One Where A Group of Middle Ages Mates Happen Upon a Funny Scenerio, and The Storyline Takes an Unexpected Turn, Where You and All Your Mates Expected It Would Go, But Secretly Love American Sitcom Shit' episode of Friends.

So I've been sat here for an hour watching a group of disables cross a desert. It all started a bit wierd with...

-"Introducing Sandra- she has one leg, Ruby's Paralysed, Steve's in a wheelchair, Amys a midget and Peters got Tourettes."

I don't what I think of all this. A challenge or a fucking cruel narrative aimed at a diserning, de-sensitized audience who crave for nothing short of Live Rape or OAP Slaying...

"Rubys complaining because Amys hitching a ride on her lap... "

hmm seemingly pointless expedition or an example of sheer human determination? the latter i imagine..

I can't even stand up to turn the fucking TV over

PURELY BEDLAM....

Sunday, October 15, 2006

EEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
If i get stuck inside a primark duvert cover again, getting lost in another realm of cheap fabric....hide the knives and the bleach cus i'm gonna top me self.

I cant stand changing me bed sheets. Me mam taught me when i was a wee 'un, but you can never do it as well as yer mam can ya? it even has those lovely creases on it..i think its called ironing?

ok so its corner to corner, stuff the rest of the duvet in, pop it close (i always miss a bloody poppy thing 2 and have to undo it all again), then give it a helluva shake.
BUT WHY ARE THERE BUMPS?

I swear the sheer thought of changing me sheets brings me out in a cold sweat, it turns me into Michael Douglas in that film...not Basic Instinct..

Ah but when its done...when you have clean sheets...mmmm it is the most yummiest feeling in the world.

Probably worth all that screaming....


Definatly

...I CANT GET IT IN!...

Friday, October 13, 2006

One of my prized pet hates.

The thing that is guaranteed to make me throw things at walls.The only thing to make me squeal in flustration (the kind of noise you only make once ina while that only dogs can hear)
Putting scart leads into the back off visual appliances.

Why do scart lead manufactuerers make em so bleeding difficult?

Whilst your on your knees, arse in the air, head jammed between the TV stand and wall, entangled in a nightmare of cables, fingers crossed (if you could cross your fingers amidist all the fooking wires) that your not going to pull something out and not figure out where its gong to go, OR electricuting yourself.

then when you find the scart lead try and aim it so that it goes in on one go. But no, that doesn't happen first time.

Twenty minutes later,and all the bloods rushed to your head and you don't even fancy watching the Never Ending Story extended version DVD anymore. You want to watch your Last of the Summer Wine video....and realise the video's not connected.

Oh the heartache.

No wonder I'm a nervous wreck. I blame you scart lead. You bastard.

SORRY I'VE JUST COME...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I love sneezing me, it's great.

I hate those buggers who hold it back and nearly blow their eyes out, those gits who make that 'achew' snivveling sound.

Let it out, spray your friends...but be careful I was sprayed lots of snot on Jenna's back in Geography in Year 9.

After all it's said that the feeling you get from a sneeze is a 1/3 of an orgasm and who wants to waste that bad boy...

Kick your man to the curb sisters, throw away your rampant rabbit and get sniffing pepper, and rubbing cats...

SHIFTY GEEZERS

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I don't trust a man in skinny jeans.
If I can see the shape of your testicles then I just don't think it's gonna work out sweetheart.

WHY HAVE THEY TAKEN GULLIBLE OUT OF THE DICTIONARY?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

My parents tainted me when i was younger. My father, my Pa, me old man told me some tales when i was a wee one, and little ol' me couldn't quite differenciate between him winding me up and gospel..this got me into a few sticky situations when i were a kid.

1. 'My Dads Playing For United on Saturday'
One morning my dad gets a letter from Sheffield United's 'Blades Club'- I see the Blades emblem on the envelope.

- "Daddy what's that?"
- "It's from United they want me to play on Saturday"

Queue a 6 year old Victoria running around the playground on Friday dinnertime screaming "my dads gonna play at Bramall Lane tommorrow"

Queue a 6 year old Victoria getting thumped around the playground on Monday morning..

2. 'I Was Given This When I Was Shot In The Head'
The theme of the weeks show and tell in Year 1 was 'Silver' and my dad gives me a coin shaped medal to take in.

- "Daddy Where's It From?"
- '"ooo I was given this back in World War 2 when I was shot in the head"

Fast Forward a few weeks to Parents Evening:

Miss Woodcock - "Why Mr Brown I hope you don't mind me askin but how old are you?"
Me Dad: "32"
Miss Woodcock- "hmmm..."

3. 'Careful..they eat kiddies'
Pub gardens can be fun, often carefree enviroments to take children, armed with a bottle of Panda Coke and a packet of Quavers. But not for one 4 year old little girl who was happily dropping crisps on her 1 yr old brother..

-"Daddy what's that thing on the wall"
- "It's a daddy long legs Victoria, they eat children..."

Well as you may agree the last one was pretty fucking cruel

KIDS WOULD DO ANYThING FOR THE TASTE OF...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Back to my original point.

Dairy (why do I keep spellin diary?)...

HUMAN CHEESE

Oh yeah, I'd try it. I'd have an experimental nibble of a corner, imagining the delights of such spread upon a cream cracker (by the way what's with the digestive biscuits in a cracker selection you may come across during the festive season..seriously crossing the savoury/biscuit divide).

But this idea would attract millions- and dont even think of copying my idea, I've bought all domain names, such as tittychedder.com and eatmyedam.org. There is some perv in Austria right now licking the nipple of his pregnant Heidi waiting...just waiting..

But I can make this produce availible all year round- after all kids Human Cheese is not just for Christmas

All you need is the correct source and mine is the Manor in Sheffield or up and coming hovels in the North. I'd simply walk around looking for swollen teenagers, offering them a 10pack o Berkley Red, or 4 cans of T super for a pint.

Product + Demand = A handsome profit

Keep an eye out for my cheesy delights, its a funky ol' idea but it may just work...

..DRUNK JIGSAW..

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Isn't sleep supposed to cure drunkness..I read that once somewhere.

wow Buggerluggs let her self loose on the unsuspecting populaion of Manchester last night after a month of being confined to my abode.

I participated in rather alot of tomfoolery in a little known place called 42nd street last night. You should really check this place out, I think its just opened, plush carpets, pristine toilets, lush air conditioning. Why, spank my ass and call me Charlie its a fine establishment.

I think there was a couscous based banquet going on when i arrived home invovling myslef, my hand and my drunken hunger. While the wife was revisiting her Tea upstairs- classybird I hear you cry..

I actually can't remember any of this I'm just piecing together the various items strewn on the floor, like a crap Hansel and Gretal crumbs trail that leads to my bedroom door.

Don't drink kids, drugs are far more cooler and may even get in with the 'in-crowd'

Don't Have a Cow...

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I really want a cow. I want a moo in my back garden. I feel my rear is of adequate size to accomodate such a beast.

So i got into looking at the logistics of going bout purchasing this animal for my petting pleasure:

1. Ebay don't sell them

2. According to MDC Datum.org the average live weight price of a dairy cow per kg this month is £50.26

3. Then according to the same source the average weight of the 25,451 cows (not including heffers!) was 306.4kg...

4. A simple maths equation (moo fat x price of moo per kg = Price of 1 moo) works out that it will cost me around £15,300; pretty steep..so I shopped else where..

5. A full blown cow is a bit steep and I'm ideally looking for a dairy cow so i can pull her udders.. so I'm looking to spend £40/ £50

I'm a gonna the marrket to getta me a cow- if i come back with some beans please dont be mad

CHAT SHOW DON...

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Silver tongued, slick toupe, dashing tanmeister Terry Wogan, now there's a handsome fella. He's been at the top of his game for decades. But what makes him stay a notch above the rest?

I think he's connected. I reckon he owns three quarters of London, probably Britain, if not the world or even half of France. This dude could click his fingers and get you knee deep in cement at the bottom of the Sheaf (or Thames, i reckon Dave Basset owns Sheffield).
I can imagine Tezza sat in his chair in his dressing room, scantily clad bitches queuing to suck his wrinkly member while he orders the next cull of radio and TV stars edging closer to his super stardom.

Well, thats what i reckon Mr Wogan is a Tony Soprano. He smacks his wife but respects his uncle.

LAUGHS = PURCHASES

Sunday, August 20, 2006

those pesky shopkeepers are still banging out genius and creative titles for thier shops...

'Thistle Do Nicely' - we gafowed oh we did
' Wannaburgur?' - i chuckled

Thats just Edinburgh- the Scottish humour, brilliant chaps, bloody brilliant.

In Sheff we had a hairdressers called 'Hair Force One'- it closed but I'm damm sure the shop title did nothing to flunk this business they probably had a blind person cutting the hair with thier guide dog barking when they got too close to the ear- perhaps. Me dad had his hair cut their n he just came back looking the same...

I got pretty pissed off today though when i saw an Italian Restuarant called 'Italia Cafe'- i just thought, you lazy bastards there's people out there trying to muster up some fantastic titles for their shop, and ok, the end product they vend may be shit (see the shit haircuts above), but I admire their pinash. I hope 'Italia Cafe' closes, and the chef gets struck off the chef register for putting his nob in the carbonara.

E.G.G

Saturday, August 19, 2006

So some American is offering 3 million dollars to the person that finds Elvis alive.
I think if we all help each other out on this one we may be able to get our hands on that delicious money.

Now I'll be the general organiser, we'll have weekly meets down at the church hall and I'll buy a big map of the world, some coloured flags (so we can see where we've looked), a flip chart, chunky pens and a pointing device.

Thats one role sorted, now this is where I need some help to complete the E.G.G team (Elvis Go Getters).

We need a digger, a person who has a magnifying glass, some plastic scissors amongst other things..if we can get started straight away then we wont give any other bastards a head start
I've booked the hall for 10am Sunday, Mable, the vicars wife's going to put on some beverages and cakes, but we must remember to put the chairs back because the scouts are in straight after us.

I hope to see you there
Buggerluggs
x

If i do bring the chunky pens you must remember to put the lids back on and I'll be counting them at the end of the day.

PLASTIC BAG POLITICS

Thursday, August 17, 2006

woo I'm on Holiday, and I have taken with me an array of sharp objects (a Swiss Army Knife, a selection of the finest Sheffield cutelry and a sword), a pair of tweezers, various liquids, including baby food (which i havn' tasted), and a my assortment of weponary i like to have on my person at all times- all neatly packed in my hand luggage - and not some sandwich bag,
Yes, I'm in Edinburgh for the Frindge where the wife did a stonking gig.

The best thing so far? a take-away called 'Edinburger'...genius.

JIM'LL FIX 'EM

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I don't know aboout you but I'm pretty sure Jimmy Savilles going to be the next one 'ousted' as the next celebrity pedeophile (wow sounds like a great TV show..much on the same basis of 'Britains next top model', hosted by Jonathan King and soundtrack provided by Gary Glitter.).
That cigar sucking, white haired crinkly fool just looks the part, fits the bill as you will. And the whole ' I can't stand kids'..shebang.....i bet his car boot is strewn with Mothercare carrier bags.

I can see him now in his purple Pony Tracksuit, Ascot trainers sat in a cream leather chair stroking infants in a Dr Evil/James Bond baddie sorta way
I feel for the kids who came home after filming 'Jim'll Fix It' with their pants inside out and the round way around

What a bad man

TOTAL RECALL?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

If you were going out with a lass that had 3 boobs would you
a) be really excited and brag about your '3 titted bird' to your mates
b) be a tiny bit grossed out
Bearing in mind she probably comes from a family of ample limbed freaks...

NO SERIOUSLY...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

To tell you the truth this weeks been a bit up and down...
I turned 22 last Friday in conjunction with birthday celebrations I had to fit in a tour of London, moving house and saying good-bye to a few special friends. No rest for the wicked eh?

I had my party last Thurs, and I was left to plan the celebrations on me tod as well as cope with all of the above, n where else to have to do then the evilness that was 11B Amhesrt Rd, our old house, well it was empty why not fook it up?

Me n Al spent the night b4 inbetween vodka's and screaming metal gutting the place.
It turned half 10 n me n our kid were sat on the sofa drink in one hand waiting for ppl to turn up, i was so close to fooking the whole thing off...but all my favourite people made it (thank u all i love u!) and you know what I'd rather just 20 of my favourites be there than 50 randoms. But thinking about I'd rather 50 randoms see me make a mcokery (mcokery lmao yes a new word and im sure you can guess when you'd make a mcokery out of yourself) out of myself!

A few bevs later n i was trippin the light fantastic one too many bevs taken by accident n i went for a little nap downstairs then i had my 2nd wind-i'm a tough cookie me
Last thing i remember is good ol' Mark with a hat?! Hugging and..oh thats it..no we were sat on the roof...

Now the first thing i remember at about 11.30 on Friday morning, my birthday is waking up on a roundabout next to Frazer in Ladybarn Park with a group of school kids shouting at me...
Had a lovleysmashingly cool bday night...

Then i had to move to my new gaff on sat as wel as fitting in the England game. Hmm all went well till parents arrived..ooo and the one set of ppl destined to stress the shit of you is them too, pa was moaning cus he wanted to watch the match ma was meandering around saying 'oo isn't he nice'..JUST GET MY FUCKING THINGS IN THE FOOKIN VAN
...you know what this story is going to continue another day...for another chapter in the hectic, but Frosty life of Miss Buggerluggs...

GOT WOOD?

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I'm thinking of writing to Mr Channel 5 and and asking them to commission a wood programme.
Topics of choice..probably...

"Top Ten Tips on keeping your wood looking real'" "What to varnish" "what tree does this leaf belong to?" " 2006 the year of the Elm"

I'm thinking Phillipa Forrester and James Wood as presenters of choice. But ol Fern Briton might be subject to discussion, she'll do owt for a cream cake that bouncy lass.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT....

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Vernon Kaye =one of the Easter Island statues at an Oasis convention With a voice like the sound of your firstborn drowning in a septic tank

Anyone else ever sat at work at 10 to 8 on a Saturday night and thought that?

GANGSTAS PARADISO

Sunday, May 21, 2006

You never hear from Coolio nowadays do you?

A source told me he's packed up and moved to a 2 up 2 down in Salford. Mark Morrisons lodging the upstairs single for 30 a week and any extras incase he uses the phone.
Apparantly Miss Gina G upstairs has a reyt go about the racket they make till the wee hours playing Pro Evo on the PS2 an all she can hear is 'ooooo go on I'm the man Coolio IS the daddy'.

crazy shit

STILL ON THE LACTO' DEBATE

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Sorry i forgot to mention cream, yoghurt, cheese...
I saw a cow run today, but there wasn't enough of them in the field to warrant the dairy product demand of the UK.

DOES THE QUEEN WIPE HER OWN BUM?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I was jus thinking...
People drink loads of milk every single day. In tea, coffee other beverages, on cereal, in cookng. Thats just one household, then there's offices, then there's food making places where extracts of milk is used to create bigger products such as cakes n like pasta items. Then broaden that to the whole of the UK.

Thats a fucking lot of milk.

What I was thinking was...why the chuff int there loads of cows everywhere? You'd be expecting to be dodging them as your walking to the busstop. And uttering sentences such as 'there's no way I'm going to town it's cow hell at this hour'.
So that was it really...alot of milk and very few cows..

IT'S A CIGAR CALLED HAMLET

this was orginally posted April '06..very theraputic, and tearful..nah its just something in my eye..

WOW!

Having a bit of the old reflectivness alately...
its been 4 years this month since I went for my Interview for uni, it will be 3 years this Sept little (well slightly rounder) me moved into Salford, Bramall Court.
N jeez Louise get on your knees how much have I crammed into those little years.
I have met the most fantastic people in my life, folk that I could never ever be apart from, folk that I apsolutly love.
I've had the funniest moments of my life, followed by some of the shittiest parts of my life. But mostly, most importantly, the first and formost point is I'm the smiliest I have ever been. N if you know me at all bitchy Vic rears her head quite often.
If ur thinking of going to uni kids, jump on the band wagon, get on it cus u know what...
Its a reyt fucking laugh

SHOULD I BE ALLOWED OUT IN PUBLIC....discuss

this blog was conceived in April 2006

i'd like to introduce myself...
My name's buggerluggs
on most days i enjoy prancing in the park, enjoing the odd jaunt in my pants and sampling the finest wines
If you know me at all u will realise that the above is bullshit, how ever the pants comment is nearer the truth...
let me explain....
alcohol should be hidden around me..infact lock it away throw away the key,swallow it never tell me it existed in the first place..

When u wake up with an array of bruises it should indicate to you to stop bein a actaul nobhead, when u wake up in ur pants it should tell you to maybe stop after the first fall, when you wake up and have that initial 'oh my that was a good night' and then the 'harsh realisation of what you did last night by piecing together the jigsaw by connecting the various bits of evidence strewn on your bedroom floor....

but on this day...yes iv managed 2 out do all of the pissed up things i hav eva done. but all is gravy cus ol' hassle the hoff has got my back...

TWO MONTH N STILL FLASHBACKS

I invite ya'll to catch up on my story...

Ha!
Yes it's taken me 2 month to recover from the party from hell....or was it heaven sent hmm that's a debatable issue..

invite only, well that never works and one point we had the ghetto in the garage (one homey was kicked out in to the cold Autumn night)

Me being, me, peaked way too soon and was in bed by 2am i think, i rose merrily at 8 to find folk to partying away grinding their faces off finding bits of the spread (yes we had a spread it was lovely btw Lidel's finest at half the price) to curb thier desire to knaw their teeth to a fine smooth pebble.

I discovered a friction burn on me knee the following morning, I discovered that this nastiness on me knee was the result of slidding across laminate on me arse. I like to make a grand entrance but the craze for smooth wood flooring cost me dearly...

We r still finding cobwebs and balloons from the event...
I think I left my self-respect down back o sofa that night too
Note to self mind bending substances on home turf does not good idea make

HOUSE PARTY VIRGIN

i'm expanding...ok i'm expanding at the imenent corruption of dairy flavoured easter treats, but i'm branching out of me MySpace blog to this lovely home....watch as the drama unfolds..i'll take you back to Halloween 2005

just about to be broken in..of sorts
2m is the day of our first house party, my first at being the hostess.

It can either go 2 ways:
1. no-one turns up. Remember the shittest party you've been to whwre u can hear a needle drop in the attic. the punch is untouched the nibbles are un nibbled and the conversation has turned to 'ooo my mums got that lamp...

2. the house is rammed and i end up with that suspect vomit in the corner and turd in the fridge the next morning,