Pirate Golfin' crazy

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I went to Glasgow for the weekend. I spent a fun-filled night in Walkabouts dancing like a nob on podium behind a person in an all in one forensics suit, until they turned around and saw me and ran off- later i was to find out it was a woman. Then i ate a Scottish slash Indian pizza and it tasted like the stuff of dreams. Today I went to Glasgows very own version of a theme park, and started to feel a bit dazed by all the 2p machines and those games you spend all your pocket money on trying to win a wonky Bugs Bunny. I felt like i was bein raped by amusments. I had a game of bingo, and the prizes on offer included a massive bottle of screenwash, a twelve pack of toilet paper and a car waxing kit. But the bestest thing about the whole place was a Pirate themed crazy golf. It was magical, but I couldn't play because I had to get my train home. Maybe next time. Currently listening : Walk the Plank By Pirates of the Mississippi Release date: By 16 June, 1995

..I'll come at ya like a bag of spanners

Monday, May 14, 2007

Sayings that have made me giggle during the past week:

- "I'm so angry i could punch a moose in the stomach"

- "i feel like ive been beaten up under water, and bits of my head are falling away like a wet cake"

- "suck on my pole"

So now you know what gets me going I invite you to try and break this face...not in a punchy way tho mind choo...

Currently listening : Lounge Against the Machine By Richard Cheese Release date: By 17 October, 2000

Help the Aged...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Why do old people look like they're wearing a uniform? Where is this shop where they buy all their sensible shoes and polyester fabrics? I do like old people tho. A little old lady stopped me in the street the other day and asked me where 'Help the aged' was and it warmed my little cockles, even though i didnt know and sent her on her merry way in the direction of main road. With all their experience in life and tales of the world we should really talk to them more, and help them across the road, Apart from the old fella who weed on me on the bus.. Currently listening : The War and Postwar Years By George Formby Release date: By 31 January, 2006 4:25 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

my crap week...so far

Thursday, May 03, 2007 Oh no! This weeks been the worst week I've had in a long time.. Was pretty excited to have me office to me self again on Monday (there's a swing, and over the past few days have been trying to see how far across the room I can reach when i jumped off - so was planning to work on that again...) On Monday morning Manchester's Northern Quarter had it's own little drama as a masseeeve fire took place in a building on Dale Street, which closed dow half of the area, including my buikding. I was finally allowed in on Tuesday along with a few other people from my building, with a man in a hard hat and a big torch. I made a joke as we went in the dark, smelly place. "Why don't we just take the lift" Well, that went down like a lead balloon. Too soon? I'll save you the details but it looks like a whole building of little independant companies are out of action for a month or so... So what else has made this week fucking special too? I've just wiped my whole IPod. Me litle pod had plugged its slutty ass into so many people's itunes, it'd whored it's white thang into so many computers that I'll never get all of me tunes back..and I'm truly gutted. From lush little playlists, to sentimental numbers. From a riff to a lyric, sometimes a song is all you need to bring back memories that last a life time and make you smile. Bollocks Did i mention a taxi reversed into me as well? - walking disaster (stop laughing) Currently listening : Barbeque Babylon By Stan Ridgway Release date: By 30 August, 2005

I believe in miri-coils

Friday, April 27, 2007

He'd done it, he's finally been released from this metal chairy cage.
If only for a few seconds...and a purely comical way.,.
You shouldn't laugh....

click here where its all underlined and blue

Steven great though, a really thoughtful guy, top publicity stunt for a little something I'm organising later this month, it's a charity bash for the dolphin faced kids down the street...

NEW EVENT BULLETIN:

THE SHOW,Cabaret

Introducing the monotone drones of Stephen Hawkins, who will compere the nights proceedings. Stephen, the star of such productions as 'You Just Want Me For My Wheels' and 'You Sound Sexy When you Say That', will open up evenings exclusive proceedings.

First on the bill, the opening act of the night is 'The Lost Souls'. The group formed in 1995, or was that 1986, I can't remember, and fronted by ex-US president and movie star,Ronald Reagan specialises in experimental and unco-ordinated stage direction. The Lost Souls orginated in 'Smithes Retirement Home', Washington, and such sketches as 'I Need the Toilet', 'You Remind me of My Husband', and 'Who are You?' are firm favourites with the audience.

Following this sensational act we have the former boxing legend, Mohammed Ali and time travelling expert, Michael J Fox. Watch in awe as the duo are handed an Etch a Sketch to the soundtrack of "All Shook Up" and create delightful, challenging compositions of famous faces.

The fun doesn't stop there, oh no.

The latest addition to the bill include tantastic Bob Monkhouse- who challenges YOU the audience to 'guess the shade', and number crunching, wacky tie wearing, Richard Whitley.

This exclusive show will be running for ONE night only. Please keep checking back for further confirmations and news!

THE SHOW x

Special Thanks To:
Health and Safety Officer: Steve Irwin
Audience Liaison: Adolf Hitler

Currently listening : Caberet 2000 By Various Artists Release date: By 14 January, 2005

Stop the tuna love

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I was at the bus top today when a group of legging wearing, scarf adorning, Southern student lasses with horrible voices were loudly discussin what they were havin for their tea.

"Im in a Tuna mood"

I overheard, and took a step back, ran up to her and dropped kicked her in the head, then pummled her until she admitted she was wrong and that there was plenty more fish in the sea to eat....

Stop the tuna love.

Currently listening : Everything Sucks By Reel Big Fish Release date: By 23 October, 2001

Brrrrrr...

Monday, April 23, 2007

Why do some things taste better frozen?

Like you can get Frozen yoghurt..but you can also get normal yoghurt, for arguments sake I'll call that 'warm Yoghurt'.

Both are nice don't get me wrong. Is it because it's fun to eat? Well no it's not cause i got major brain freeze yesterday in Nandos when i was seeing how much bottomless frozen yoghurt i could eat.

So then, why don't you get warm ice-cream, like liquid ice-cream. Why do people enjoy it cold. Its frozen for god sake...

I was going somewhere with this...

Currently listening : Cool as Ice By Vanilla Ice Release date: By 08 October, 1991

in my day.....

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I heard the funniest thing on the radio today...

Hold on to your nanna, grab your granddad by his y-fronts.

There's a plan to start tagging old people. Now i dont mean spray painting your initials on a wrinkly, but popping a device onto a pensioners leg so that they don't get lost.

So when your Grannies finally lost her marbles, she's calling you Jeff and she's looking in the freezer for Hitler there's a satillite tracking her every move.

I can't stop thinking about a OAP Battle Royale scenario...and there's blood, guts, false hips and pacemakers everywhere.

But joking aside kids, respect your elders, you never know what their will may hold, or when you will be weeing yourself and shaking your fist at the youth of today.

Currently listening : We'll Meet Again By Vera Lynn Release date: By 21 February, 1995

the drive of your life...way-hey

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

With the Magic Bus weekly ticket going up to 4 quid I've decided to learn to drive.

during my second lesson t'ther day i couldn't grasp a thing. The instructor said he was out of breath talking me through things.

I was taking a left turn and an old lady came zooming out (oh the old cows can move when they want), and instead of applyin me brakes i just covered my face like a tiny human shield, and then got mad and said "yeah you laugh you old bastard" - i was going to get out and kick her car aswell.

My instructor said it was my fault.

45 min into the lesson i forgot how to take the handbrake off, so we had to run through the basics again. My instructor said i kept crunching it and would i stop cus it was a brand new car.

I'm currently looking for people to take me driving.

Just send your name and number and a stamped address envelope to the usual address

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Monday, April 09, 2007

Do I know you?

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is fooking great film.

I wonder what it wold be like if the memory-erasing company, Lacuna Inc actually existed.

The easy way out? Or a great chance to have one of those brain helmety things on that looks like a colander strapped to yer head?

would you erase me?

Make up your own McMind...

08 Apr 2007

McDonalds have just opened a new website. It's brilliant.

It's a called 'Make Up Your Own Mind' and it invites people to ask Ronald McDonald and his family questions about the fast food kings, from what kind of fluids they put in their 'milkshakes' to what their current plans are for ensuring the wellbeing of a million cows they put throught their burger pounding conveyor belt everyday.

It's funny, anyone can ask questions, which have seriously been answered by the lovely people at Mcs.

Here are an example of some of the questions posed and the answers given by 'Casa de McDez'- oh, and as a former employee of Mc donalds, I feel i have enough experience to give my angle:

Q: My mom says that your milkshakes are made with love, and that's why they taste so delicious
A: Your mum is right, care and attention is shown in preparation of all Mc Donalds food.
V: Your mum is right, it's someone's love is in there

Which brings me nicey to the next question:

Q: Why did your employee ejaculate into my grandmothers milkshake?
A: Any rumours or stories of this sort of behaviour have never found to be true and are regarded as urban myths.
V: How did your grandmother tell, McDonalds thought she may may have been too old to remember the taste.

Q: What is the average seman content of a Big Mac?
A: Zero

Some of the questions people have answered are genius.

Q: Why are the straws so thin you should have a selection of girths.

Cheers Ronald you clown bastard.

joined at the hip..

05 Apr 2007

i was just wondering why you dont get many joined up people in Britain.

Like,you hear all these stories and read all these things in closer and watch all these documentries on C5.Mainly about stuck together babies, and folk who have grown up with their brother attached to their liver. But they're all either American or from some far away land.

Are the British just boring?

It might have something to do with the weather.

Snow White...

04 Apr 2007

So ageing wrinkle laden rocker Keith Richards snorted his dad's ashes. Well, dead ledge, Freddie Mercury used to throw lavishly queer parties and had trays of coke carried around by naked dwarfes. I'm thinking then this Sat round at ours, im gonna get some babies stuff their nappies with smack and give everyone a spoon. Who's in, I'll pop your name of the list...written in blood